|You aren't not this guy.|
Epic, Awesome, and Mildly Zany is an adventure created by MultiFunctional on April 26th, 2009. It documents the time-traveling shenanigans of a character named Sir Henry Q. Fnackledorp Howdoi Nilbig-Chrono Fedor, King of the Third Legion, Lord of 12,000 Men, and Shogun to 52 Samurai (Esq.), but known only as Not Important. It is really quite silly. Epic, Awesome, and Mildly Zany has received critical acclaim for its hilarity and re-readability by such well known forum critics as Ed_knott and thriggle.
A man has a time machine. He repaints it so it says tyme machine. It asks his name, and he says it's not important. The time machine (and the author and readers) proceed to call the character Not Important for the rest of the adventure. Not Important travels through time and space to his hometown of Atlantis, back before he was exiled, dresses up like an Atlantean police officer, and banishes his past self to prevent a paradox. Then he beats his past self half to death to see what happens (or, according to MultiFunctional, to pre-emptively punish himself for all the bad decisions he's going to make) and ends up banished as well. Wanting to get back into the city to retrieve his time machine, he then knocks over the sandcastle walls of Atlantis using his past self as a battering ram, only to be accosted by two Atlantean police officers who prove to be a pair of his future selves messing with him. He then goes back in time to stop himself from using his past self as a battering ram. His near-past self takes off in the time machine, leaving him stranded with his distant-past self.
A paradox beast arrives and scolds the Not Importants. The Not Importants are able to defeat the paradox beast by pretending like they're going to have sex with each other, causing the paradox beast to flee in disgust, and leaving the two Not Importants standing there awkwardly. The Not Importants then split up and enter the city. The original Not Important goes to an origami school to learn the ancient arts. The past Not Important goes to a costume shop, where the shopkeeper turns out to be a Lesser Paradox Beast in a costume, who urges Past Not Important to find the time machine quickly in order to prevent the universe being rent in twain.
Past Not Important gets a costume as a Lesser Paradox Beast and heads to the Atlantis information booth to inquire about time machines. Though the lady at the booth is unable to help him find any time machines, she does have an answer to his inquiry about tyme machines, and points him toward the tyme machine behind her. Past Not Important attempts to unshackle the lady from the booth so he can ask her on a date, but he and the lady are both arrested because it looks suspicious to have a Lesser Paradox Beast kneeling to a shackled woman.
Fortunately, Past Not Important is able to escape the jail because he is so two-dimensional he can walk through the bars. The information booth lady pulls off her wig, revealing herself to actually be another of Not Important's future selves. Past Not Important Self grabs a book to wear on his head (over the Lesser Paradox Beast costume) as a disguise, and information booth lady Not Important jumps into a potted plant and wears that as a disguise. They head back to the tyme machine, where they find the original Not Important, who has graduated from origami school. Only one can fit in the tyme machine, so Not Important takes the machine back in time a few seconds so he'll have two, causing a Paradox Beast to show up. Not Important adds an H to the tyme machine, making it a thyme machine, while girl Not Important pokes the paradox beast in the eye with a broom. The beast kindly asks Not Important to leave this time and never come back, but the thyme machine only dispenses liberal doses of thyme. Not Important crosses out the T and replaces it with an R, making a rhyme machine. Girl Not Important throws the trusty broom into the rhyme machine, transporting everyone and the second tyme machine to a dusty room. Past Not Important removes the book from his head and steals into the second tyme machine heading into the past to conceive himself. The other Not Importants scribble out all the letters on the rhyme machine to see what happens, and end up being sucked into a rip in the fabric of reality, ceasing thereafter to exist.
And the wacky hijinx continues from there.
- Not Important
An Atlantian man also known as Sir Henry Q. Fnackledorp Howdoi Nilbig-Chrono Fedor, King of the Third Legion, Lord of 12,000 Men, and Shogun to 52 Samurai (Esq.), Not Important is his own worst enemy. And also his only true ally, not counting lesser paradox beasts. Various versions of himself encounter various other versions of himself from all along the time line, helping him out when he needs assistance, bringing him sandwiches when he tattoos "bring sandwiches" on his flesh, and having fun at his expense by pretending to be cops or by beating him half to death. The only way for Not Important to know that someone is not his future self is by the color of their shirt.
- Paradox Beasts
These creatures are just trying to repair all the rips in time that Not Important keeps causing. A lesser paradox beast offers one of Not Important's past selves some more direct guidance, quickly forgotten.