|By the smell of a thousand RAPIDHYPHENS' dejections!|
Satchel Critters is a Pokémon spoof created by sfou, author of the most venerated of MSPAFAs, Beardate. It follows the adventures of Smog, a young fetcher who is just starting out on his adventures. Though it started as a fairly tame parody of Pokémon, it rapidly began to deviate from the formula, leading to ever-sillier escapades and a proliferation of crime.
The at-first-nameless protagonist starts the adventure in his room on a lazy Sunday afternoon. He can feel in his bones that today will be just chock-full of adventures; after a brief trip to his computer, he decides that to this end, and to avoid his mother, he will go visit that bizarre professor who lives in town. On the way, he encounters his straight-from-the-80s rival. Upon reaching the professor's house and finding the professor absent, he does what any reasonable person would do: he steals the professor's Satchel Critters and heads out of town.
With his three new companions, Squirt, Bulbous, and Charman-man, Smog lays the hurt down on a Crazy Nature Man he encounters on the road. Squirt kills the Piegon foe, and Smog, after robbing Crazy Nature Man, crafts a lovely outfit from its corpse and a brassiere. Clad in his studly new clothes, Smog continues to the next town; when he gets there, he promptly heads to the Satchurch to challenge the Bishop of Serious.
Smog is accosted by the Bishop's secretary; after a brief interaction that leads to her death, Smog futzes briefly with the computer before entering the arena to challenge the Bishop.
Smog is a trainee fetcher and accomplished robber, mugger, and murderer: an impressive resumé for a schoolboy. His antisocial tendencies are probably due to the voices in his head telling him to do terrible things. Probably.
- Mom and Dad
Both minor characters: Mom is a dejected housewife who just doesn't understand her husband's cool job; Dad is a kickin' fetcher who has yet to make a physical appearance in the adventure.
Smog's rival, Smelly has yet to play a very important roll in the story. Little is known about him save for his terrible taste in fashion and music, and his quite douchebaggy personality.
- Smelly's Hot Sister
Smelly's Hot Sister is Smelly's sister; she is demonstrably hot. For some unfathomable reason, she seems to dislike Smog quite a lot.
- Crazy Nature Guy
A crazy guy who attacks Smog with a puny Piegeon. He is promptly trounced and robbed.
A very serious secretary that apparently holds a soft spot for the mentally handicapped; unfortunately, this proves to be her downfall.
- Bishop MacStinkinrich
Bishop of Serious and the first Satchurch Bishop Smog faces; Smog is currently battling him.
Smog's Viscous-Elementry satchel critter.
Smog's Herbal-Elementry satchel critter.
Smog's Flaming-Elementry satchel critter.
An apparently-common satchel critter; Crazy Nature Guy had one before Squirt strangled it.
One of Bishop MacStinkinrich's Serious satchel critters. Based on Declipse's "Evil Monocle" from "OBJECTION!"
One of Bishop MacStinkinrich's Serious satchel critters.